Guest Post: Annoying Smoker Quotes

February 9, 2010

We have here a guest blog post + guest comic combo from Big Fish Mag. For those who don’t know BFM, here’s the pitch:

Tuco Benedicto Ramírez once said, “I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise”. Unfortunately, this does not have anything to do with BigFishMag. It just introduces an element of abstractness (or so we think). What BigFishMag has is: Funny Articles (so we think, again), Hilarious Webcomics (and again) and B-Grade movie reviews. What we do not have is a reason for readers to leave our website, ever; and that is the primary reason why you haven’t heard about us.

PS: This website is dedicated in the loving memory of our friend who had cancer in the ass. Although no portion of our income will go to any patient with cancer in the ass, it will make you think twice before ruthlessly clicking on the red X on top of your screen.

Big Fish Mag on the Internet

————-

Every smoker starts off life as a non-smoker. Unfortunately, the non-smokers fail to come to terms with this simple fact and treat their brethren with more contempt than there is for Israelis in Palestine. There has always been a war of sorts between the two (Both Israel-Palestine and Smoker-Nonsmoker). A non smoker hates a smoker because he smokes. A smoker hates a non smoker because the fucker just won’t let him smoke in peace!

With the media and everyone else (Catholic wives Club, Nudist transvestites against tobacco, Mrs. Sharma’s Kitty Party…etc.) on the side of the non smoker, the war was always one sided. The smoker never had a voice, or maybe he lost it to throat cancer. On behalf of the smoker, I bring you

‘THE MOST ANNOYING NON-SMOKER QUOTES’

‘Smoking kills’

Yes, ‘Smoking Kills’! The smoker understood it first up. The non smoker wasn’t too thrilled with this. He couldn’t possibly let the SOB get away so easy. So, he cooked up an evil little plan in his head. It constituted annoying the hell out of the smoker by prophesying his death, over and over and over again. A tactic borrowed from the humble realm of roadside astrologers.

I don’t think it’s very polite to tell someone ‘you’ll get cancer’ or ‘you’ll suffer and die’. Non smokers have stopped paying heed to their manners. Have you ever seen a smoker go up to a fat guy eating a burger and say ‘that burger is gonna give you a heart attack’, or just go to an old lady and tell her that she’s going to kick the bucket soon? Manners! Learn some ye non smokers!

‘Plain text isn’t enough. We need to send out a stronger message’

In comes the idea of pictorial warning signs on cigarettes. Who exactly are these pictorial signs meant to target?

1) If they are targeting the uneducated, then I’m sure he won’t know why the fuck is there an image of a lung on his bloody cigarette pack. As a matter of fact, he won’t even know that the image is of a lung. The uneducated aren’t too good with biology.

2) If they are targeting the educated, then guess what? They can already read. The last time pictures were used to explain something was kindergarten. Remember A for Apple with an image of an apple next to it. I think we have all passed that stage now. We know what a bloody apple looks like without a picture for reference. If people need images to understand something, we can safely say that we have moved down the evolutionary ladder by a rung or two.
If the entire idea of pictorial warning signs wasn’t ridiculous enough, the non smoker comes with this image:

‘Tobacco Kills’… check. ‘Tobacco Causes Cancer’… check. Scorpion…. WTF!!! Can someone tell me what the fuck is a scorpion doing there? How exactly is this scorpion supposed to get people to stop smoking? Quit smoking or I shall sting you?

It’s supposed to be a crab, you idiots. How did they skip from crab to scorpion? No fucking clue. I guess crab is too old school for these guys. Scorpion is the IN thing.

Some one even suggested having gory images on cigarette packs. How the hell do such people get into power? Fuck that. How exactly did this guy come to life? The sperm that created this person was probably competing with 1 million disabled sperm. If not, then Darwin lied about evolution. Today cigarette packs, tomorrow you’ll see images of mangled corpses at railway crossings to dither people. How about placing images of the victims of terrorist attacks at Taj, in all of its rooms, as a warning? Ridiculous?… yes. Stupid?… yes. Retarded?… fuck yeah!

‘Smokers are a threat to society’

A smoker can hardly run for more than 10 seconds. If that is a threat to you then you got some real fucked up medical condition!

If you are worried of second hand smoke, then let me tell you second hand smoke isn’t the reason for global warming.

‘Only stupid people smoke. So quit it’

Apparently, your IQ is quite influenced by smoking. Start smoking and it decreases. Quit it and it increases. Oh, the wonders of smoking!

If only stupid people smoke, then why do you want to save them? Let them die. In fact, go find stupid people and introduce them to cigarettes.

‘I don’t smoke because it’s not even a cool thing’

This means you would have smoked if it had been a cool thing. I hate this quote the most. It comes from the kind that has no identity of its own and does everything on the basis of it being cool or not.

If the anti-smoking non smoker still thinks that he belongs to the side which cares more about life, then I guess you don’t know who led the first anti-smoking campaign. Don’t know? I’ll tell you. The person is………. *drumroll*……… Adolf Hitler. The smoker side requests for two minutes of laughter.

The purpose of this article wasn’t to glorify smoking in any way. It was meant to make you see the other side of the coin which is obviously neglected. Hopefully now you’ll realize that those who smoke have made their choice. How about letting ‘em be?

————-

BigFishMag.com

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{ 1 trackback }

News Two Point Oh | Indian comics about life and irritations.
02.17.10 at 10:49 AM

{ 23 comments }

1 shyam 02.09.10 at 9:26 PM

not sure about the disclaimer in the end.. the post glorifies smoking and is not even funny.

“This website is dedicated in the loving memory of our friend who had cancer in the ass. ” is plain offensive..might work in hindi movies…

PS: OK.. the blog is much better..

2 Suman 02.10.10 at 12:38 PM

Hey this is a ‘comic’ ‘funny’ site, if you want political correctness, you should visit Advani’s website. Or Shivsena’s.

3 Kima 02.10.10 at 1:08 PM

Awwww comon. This post was funny as hell. Or maybe it appealed only to us smokers (?) But what the heck, whether it glorified smoking or not, it really made me laugh. Well written, Big Fish Mag.

And about those warning messages on the cigarette packets… I started smoking again because of it! I stopped smoking years ago because I was afraid of cancer, until those reassuring messages started appearing on every ciggy packs – “SMOKING KILLS (the) TOBACCO (that) CAUSES CANCER”. Wooohoooo! Thank you! :-D

4 Rohit 02.10.10 at 1:45 PM

The two comics lack humour or they were just too plain obvious.

5 Sriram Iyer 02.10.10 at 3:29 PM

Ah, Damn Good. All the MF’s who make Non-smoking ads need a smoke to get their mind working (make that a comic!).

(Toing!) So, presenting 63 ‘Stop Smoking’ ads
..
http://www.tutorart.com/index.php/63-reasons-to-stop-smoking/

And why does the Non-smoker fucker care about others smoking? Moral policing man.

P.S. – I, non-smoker, Asthma patient.

P.P.S. – Did you know the ‘Thackerays’ are not from Mumbai or India? Their forefathers came from England and were part of the East India Company.

See (echo effect) this (/echo effect))
..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Makepeace_Thackeray

..

6 ahmed 02.10.10 at 3:31 PM

smoking is 100% personal matter.

7 Leo 02.14.10 at 4:03 PM

This article always gets mixed responses. Anyways, thanks for the comments!

8 TTG 02.18.10 at 12:29 PM

The only thing more annoying than Non-Smokers’ moralising is a bunch of Nicotine junkies’ justifications for killing themselves.

9 Saad Akhtar 02.18.10 at 12:32 PM

Killing THEMSELVES.

Themselves being the operative word….

10 Rover 02.19.10 at 9:36 PM

A friend with cancer in the ass is lifted straight from South Park. Thought no one would catch you, didn’tcha? Heartening to see everyone following the Indian Entertainment Tradition, isn’t it?*
Um…aside from that, nice one. I’ve used all these points on everyone who goes on about how smoking kills, but apparently one of the myriad diseases passive smoke induces is selective deafness.

And I’m not sure why the Thackeray link was relevant, but it was fucking funny – not the same family though.

* no, it isn’t.

11 Wasim K. 02.20.10 at 8:47 AM

Rover is sharp, isn’t he? Rover belongs to a group of select individuals who watch the underground* phenomenon South Park — a show which otherwise airs on prime-time tv and is watched by every second teenager in India. Rover knows how to pick-out the essence of a post. Rover is also kind enough to point out sarcasm so that the dolts among us do not miss it.

*not really.

12 Leo 02.20.10 at 10:37 AM

@Rover

It was an obvious reference to southpark episode 501: Scott Trenomen (if I got the name right) must die.

@TTG

I’m sure smoking is the only thing that KILLs. Ignore the number of diseases that can be caused by junk food and cola. Ignore the obesity induced heart attacks. I bet you would feel real fucking nice when you decide to have those chips/ pepsi/ coca cola of yours and you see a nice fat label in big fucking fonts that say “Eating/drinking this will make you a fat asshole and will lead to an heart attack” but junk food/cola don’t need labels, do they? And this is only about junk food. What about the food you get from your favorite hawker. Should they come with warnings? What about those elevators that you travel in? You do know that they could fall and kill you. And those precious vehicles of yours, you know that someone could crash into you and kill you slowly and painfully or probably maim you for life. What about those airplanes? Are they fucking safe? Don’t they crash? How about labels on all of these?

Death my friend is inevitable and I don’t wish to be reminded about it every time I try to relax with a smoke . Frankly speaking why do you want to save anyone. I smoke, I die. How will this change your life? Why do you want me or anybody else who smokes alive?

13 rygestop 03.08.10 at 6:33 PM

I STOP SMOKING AFTER HYPNOSIS.

14 Leo 03.09.10 at 11:56 PM

I STOPPED USING CAPS AFTER HYPNOSIS…. HMMMM.. WAIT…….. DAMNIT!!!

15 Amruta 03.16.10 at 2:06 PM

This blog was funny as hell. I don’ think it glorifies smoking at all. I totally understand what a smoker goes through. I have smoking friends and i don’t smoke nor do i tell them to stop. It’s their choice, it’s their body. An adult who smokes definitely knows wtf he/she is doing. They have brain that is pretty much usable so yeah, let them be.

16 mayank sharma 04.29.10 at 2:22 PM

Always been a fan of bigfish and FYF …. cool post

BTW, smoking is a personal choice man! Leave the janta alone.

17 Mohit Shah 06.01.10 at 3:10 PM

great post…
i couldn’t have said it better myself…

18 Phil 10.26.10 at 9:32 AM

Smokers suck. It should be outlawed. They need to get cancer and die and stop polluting my space. Fuck them and fuck you.

19 SmokingBlows 01.14.11 at 2:01 AM

Every smoker starts off life as a non-smoker.

But yet, they still make that decision to start smoking after being fully aware of all the possible consequences. Just like drug and alcohol addicts, once they become addicted to nicotine, smokers will ALWAYS attempt to rationalize their behavior to non-smokers, and take offense when anyone confronts their addictive and harmful habit.

Don’t believe me? Go out and take away the Oxycontin from a drug addict or the bottle of vodka away from the alcoholic, and see what happens. They will go ballistic if you come between them and their fix. The same thing applies to smokers.

I work in a hospital and I see the consequences of smoking daily. The one thing I’ve noticed about every nicotine addict who’s reached the point of realizing their mortality due to smoking, is that they become afraid of dying and wished they never started. It happens every time – the most recent example being Michael Douglas.

For what it’s worth, the main reason why non-smokers complain about smokers is because they can’t feed their addiction without negatively affecting everyone around them with their secondhand and third-hand smoke. They can’t kill themselves without including everyone else in their foolish plans.

There’s not a day goes by where my personal space isn’t stunk up from cigarette smoke, especially in places where they’re not supposed to smoke. Just a short while ago, there was even one sorry-ass nicotine addict in my apartment gym, smoking a cigarette while walking on the treadmill. I can’t even escape these selfish addicts in a place designed to improve one’s health!

The other side of the coin is neglected for good reason Big Fish. The way I see it, if you want to kill yourself by smoking, go ahead without any sympathy from me. Just DON”T include me or affect my personal space with your insane plans.

20 The Coder 01.19.11 at 6:42 PM

The only problem with ‘How about letting ‘em be?’ is that, it raises Healthcare costs for all of the non-smokers too. If you want to be a smoker and glorify it, do so. Just stop hiding behind the words ‘Disclaimer’. Dumass

21 gret 01.22.11 at 12:26 PM

@leo
the crap u said about airplanes crashing and whatnots *might* kill u but smoking *will* kill u
and why the hell are u so frustrated go take a long shower mate.

22 harry 02.22.11 at 12:50 AM

smoking is fine as long as you put the cigarette in your mouth and smoke the nicotine back in to your system and not donate it as a largesse to the people next to you. we will them let em be, that is when smoking can be a personal choice else it would be a public service like the pesticide machine used by the municipal corporation

23 Cooling Tower Components 04.11.11 at 12:36 PM

Today every other person smokes but one shouldn’t get addicted to it. Quit smoking and stay healthy.

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